An Unrequited Love Letter To My Thirstiest Instagram Follower
Truly we were meant to be together, WillyWanker420
Dearest @WillyWanker420,
I am still in disbelief, wondering why it had taken so long to see what was right in front of me all these years. It was you, WillyWanker420, and your unwavering obsession with my Instagram account. You, fully responsible for 2% of my total post views, have captured 100% of my heart.
You’re the most loyal man I’ve ever known, WillyWanker420. You’ve been a silent pillar of strength, always “liking” every one of my Insta posts within seconds, even the more modest posts wearing an actual top. Meanwhile, the man I’ve been with hasn’t checked my Instagram in years — always too busy running his own Private Equity firm and volunteering at our local SPCA. When can I be with a man with a concerning amount of time on his hands for me, like you seem to, WillyWanker420?
I must admit, despite all we’ve been through, you’re still a mystery to me, WillyWanker420. A man of few words, often replying to posts with a short, yet sweet, “daddy likeee”, “nice sexsi 🔥🔥”, or a more subtle “so fertile”. I’ve tried to know you through your own profile, but you leave so much to be desired that it drives a girl crazy! I see just two photos: A blurry photo of you holding a large trout, and another of your stove top with three dirty pans atop it. Finally, a man that can provide and cook.
I’m such a fool, WillyWanker420! I know I can’t allow myself to fall so hard for someone who will never return my love, because I see you with so many other women — carelessly replying to the posts of over 300 Insta-models that you follow. What a tease you are, WillyWanker420. I must admit that I find solace knowing that they’ll never have you either, because as your brief bio states, you’re already “married to your rod and guns”.
Perhaps in another lifetime, WillyWanker420. But in this one, we’ll remain two ships passing in the night, except your ship with a full deck of telescopes pointed into the cabin of my ship, blowing your foghorn every time I bend over even slightly. And my ship, left sending out the weakest of distress calls, to receive the empty validation that a part-time model needs.
I don’t know where this revelation will lead us, WillyWanker420. I don’t know if these words will wound or heal, I just know I had to let them out. The same way you let out “hachi chachi ayiyiyi boinggggg!!” to my most recent post of my backside in bootyshorts. The writing on those shorts was a secret sonnet of affection from me directly to you: “Daddy, yes”.
Truly we were meant to be together, WillyWanker420. But let us not dwell in this abyss of regret and despair, and instead cherish what we do have together: An intricate dance of words and symbols, words like “humina humina” and “awoooooga” and symbols like the drooling face and peach emojis 🤤🍑. And, if I may be so bold, let me proposition what could be: A brief but blissful escapade, a fleeting tryst where time stands still, just you and I, and perhaps a few others…
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In closing, I want you to know that your thirsty, often misspelt replies, once unnoticed, are now deeply acknowledged. You and I, we have a rich tapestry of shared experiences and emotions that can lay the groundwork for something more profound and beautiful, or as you might say “mm delicious”.
Always,
@lindaluvs
