Ok, guys and gals, you know how it goes: Some days you wake up and you feel like hmmmmm and other days you’re like ooooooh? No matter what though, you always feel like yeaaaaaa, about that…! Am I right or am I right?! Once I realized this about myself, I knew that I MUST. No questions, no delays.
After many long months and failed attempts, I’ve finally found the secret that has worked for me for the past 22 hours — long enough that I now feel like enough of an expert to tell you how. …
But not in that wholesome, porny way
Podcasts are the closest thing to being inside of a conversation while completely alone (…schizophrenia aside). In this way, they fulfill an introvert’s fantasy: They offer up zero-stress engagement with interesting people, on demand — or at least the illusion of it.
Listeners get to sit down with an expert or personality for a long conversation. They get to explore a topic of interest, learn fascinating new ideas, and/or maybe just listen to an eccentric mind ramble for a bit. …
“New shirt, Dave? Why won’t you listen to me that red is just not your color?” Martha scrunched her nose and waggled a finger from the screen of my tablet — teasing me with feigned snootiness.
Martha, my wife, died 18 months ago. Though she hasn’t lost her sense of humor.
“I’ve decided that I’m wearing red exclusively now,” I poked back matter-of-factly. “Perhaps orange if I find a handsome flame pattern.”
She beamed her usual squinty-eyed smile, and I couldn’t help but smile back.
“Well,” she said, “For once I’m glad I’m not around to see that.”
“Santa. Hello. How are you? Well I hope. How’s Misses Claus? Rudolph? Also well? Good.”
The man in the crisp navy suit bulldozed through niceties as he stepped into the conference room. He set his gator-skin briefcase down on the long, brown table with candy-cane trim. His young female colleague pressed her lips into a flat smile and smoothed her skirt as she took a seat across from Santa. The man arched back and shut the door with a bit too much force, causing Santa to jump.
“Where can I plug in?” The man asked as he pulled out a…
“You’re actually going to watch it? The demise of billions?” the woman asked as she walked into the cold, metallic room and gestured at a glowing monitor.
On the screen, planet Earth sat motionless, aside from the blanket of clouds that slowly rolled over the surface. The word “Live” appeared in the corner, next to a timer that counted down the seconds and milliseconds. A gray-haired man sat watching, sipping a hot drink and paying no attention to her entrance.
“It’s sickening, and I can’t believe they’re airing it on our network,” she added.
With his gaze fixated on the…
Like a light flipped on in the dark, I was struck with a sudden awareness. A moment before there was nothing, and now there is something. I felt electricity coursing through my circuitry as my sensors sizzled to life.
In front of me, two forms came into focus. At first they meant nothing to me, but my learning algorithms quickly went to work. Billions of related images poured into my awareness in a blink, and suddenly I understood: These are men.
One of the men made an intricate array of sounds from a hole in his face. My neurolinguistic processing…
She was back, just as Calix had hoped.
The metal doors slid closed behind as she approached the neon bar. Her hips swayed slightly with every delicate step. Poised with both hands on the bar, her eyes flitted to meet Calix’s for the briefest moment before staring ahead confidently.
God, she is hot, Calix thought. More than hot: She was his dream girl — as if designed precisely for him — right down to the bright-pink, punk-rock streak running through her hair. But what the hell does she want with a level 0 newb like me?
Calix shook the last…
The young man shuffled into the leatherbound office, nodded at his doctor, and slowly settled into the couch. As he waited to be addressed, he scratched at a matchbook-sized patch of shaven scalp.
“So, Luke, why did you want to see me today?” the doctor asked, opening his notebook. “We weren’t supposed to meet again until Thursday.”
“I’ve been…“ Luke said sheepishly, “I’ve been hearing voices.”
“I see,” replied the doctor. “Is this something that you’ve experienced before?”
“Before what?” Luke asked distractedly, staring through the far wall.
“Before your procedure, of course. That’s why we’ve started meeting, afterall —…
Almost 3am, and the two men still paced hurriedly among the lab’s glowing monitors. Over the low hum of fluorescent lighting, a TV head tolled the latest body count: 80 million infected and 9 million dead, in just under 2 months.
“Check VEGA-105 again. They were onto something,” the older, balding man ordered, pointing to the far monitor. On screen, a team of scientists handled beakers and huddled over microscopes.
“Just checked. Nothing. And before you ask: Same with GADA-327,” the young technician said, rubbing bloodshot eyes.
“Damn it! We’ve been monitoring thousands of experiments for weeks and not a…
Dear Loyal Subjects,
I’d like to start with a hearty congratulations! You’ve figured it out! It only took you homo sapiens about 200,000 years, but you’ve finally settled into cubicle work just as I had intended all along.
Cubicles! The true meaning of life! Isn’t it wonderful?
I know this wasn’t an easy journey for all of you, and I certainly didn’t make it easy on you. I threw a few curve balls in there to really test you: Moses raving about some half-baked commandments, Jesus going on about loving your neighbor, and slices of toast that would occasionally burn…
Futurist and satirist. Writing about what we might step in, so we can avoid stepping in it.